Lifestyle

Apocalypse Please

Chad W. Lutz
It's 10:54am on Friday, December 21, 2012. By now, most of you have probably heard of the significance behind the date. That's right; we're all supposed to die today. Tough pill to swallow before lunch, but lending to some possibly supernatural form of cosmic inevitably, life on Earth, as we know it, is supposed to completely cease at some point throughout the day. If all holds true, Ancient Mayan gods riding giant balls of fire and brimstone should crease the clouds and begin raining acid and lightning down on the landscape from idols of war at any moment. I feel like I should probably get back to doing real work.
It's gonna be one of "those" days (courtesy of Google Images)
The day is cold and snowy. With the exception of a few flakes about a month ago, this is the first real snowfall we've had all season. Apropos considering today is the winter solstice, and perhaps our last. The mood is light and cheery, despite the 30 million different species of life that hang in the balance. Like many other offices around the country, and perhaps the world, we traded Christmas gifts this morning and spent a majority of the day already just talking and laughing about this and that (DUIs, beer, shootings); real Christmas cheer going around.

Last night I was at the gym, as I usually find myself at the gym, and overheard an argument between what appeared to be a few guys about my age. The topic was the end of the world, and the Mayan version of the tale, specifically. One side, two of the gentlemen, were arguing against the conclusion that at some point during the following day we were all going to bite the big one and Time and Space would cash their checks. I guess it would be fair to say the two against were more or less in doubt that it would happen and not so much vehemently against the idea of the end of the world ever happening.

The other side consisted of two young men of whom I could only shake my head at in wonder and chuckle silently to myself. For the entire time I spent getting dressed, I listened to these two, with headphones on blast, mind you, yell at the other two about how stupid they were for not completely believing that tomorrow (today) would for sure be the end of the world. The two against tried their best to explain that they weren't wholly discounting the possibility of the end of the world, but were more or less skeptical that tomorrow was the day to end all days, and that if it happened, it happened.

I took my earbuds out once I heard one side call the other, "fucking retarded", more so out of curiosity than anything. What could someone possibly be arguing about in a Men's locker room in such a heated manner that required basically yelling at the other side and calling them names for everyone else to hear? People are naked. Calm down.
The forecast for today is warm, with a 40% chance of apocalypse (www.skydancingblog.com)
The rest of the argument played out like a one-sided lecture a teenager might receive after crashing the family car. These people KNEW tomorrow was it, and by golly they were, in no way, going to let others waste their precious, final moments wrapped in ignorance over such a grave matter. As I walked past them toward the exit, I joked to myself, "Shouldn't you be on a plane somewhere tropical or in bed with a girl, instead of yelling at your naked friend in the middle of a Men's locker room in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, with only a few more hours to live?"

It's now 11:30am. The skies are still grey, and there are no signs of Ancient Mayan figureheads raining death and destruction down on the masses, yet, only grey, grey, grey, dismal North Canton. I've often wondered what real truth today might bring. Will it truly be the day of reckoning? Will Jesus descend from the heavens and claim all of his disciples? Will the Earth's polarity and center of gravity shift so violently the continents tear in two and molten magma slathers the land? Will the Sun send a solar flare so large and sweeping it destroys all electronics and the Earth suddenly plunges into a modern Dark Age? Perhaps a major plague occurs, or a nuclear war or a continuous Richard Simmons' marathon on every single channel for all eternity? These are some heavy things to think about, especially on a day that seems relatively innocent, thus far.

I won't sit here and completely dismiss the possibility of the world ending today. Maybe it will? I don't know. If I did, I'd gladly share that kind of clairvoyant information with the rest of the world. It would be pretty selfish of me to horde news like that. And I feel as if our Mayan ancestors really thought the world was going to end, they would have put a footnote or something at the bottom of the calendar, instead of just ambiguously letting the thing eventually run out. I don't know; that might just be me. But, if our dear friends at the gym are correct and the world does go to Hell in a few hours, what a ride, huh?