Album Review

Fuckface Unstoppable - FFU

Released May 27, 2014
Lisa Sanchez
Bam Margera's new musical venture Fuckface Unstoppable is exactly what it sounds like: some vapid reality star's garage band. Throughout my experience listening to Fuckface Unstoppable's new album FFU I couldn't get their name right. It was always Fuckface Impossible, Improbable, Unlikeable. Although incorrect, Margera may want to consider renaming his band after one of my more accurate misnomers, because the fuckface stops here.

Fuckface Unintelligible is comprised of Bam Margera himself, in a role I cannot discern from listening to FFU. He might...sing? It all sounds like rednecks gargling pebbles to me. His accomplices include his brother, Jess Margera, of CKY fame, Novak, and others who should be kept anonymous because they consciously made a decision to be in a band with Bam Margera and put his face on the cover of their premiere album. Considering FFU 's material deals with a lot of heavy drinking and drug use, Margera's role in the band seems to be more as a mascot, the epitome of a Fuckface Unstoppable.

Musically, the Fuckface Unstoppable's FFU sounds like something that lives at the bottom of a NASCAR trash barrel. It begins with "Big News 1 & 2" a painfully long, six-minute song where Margera spits intermittent drink orders and pirate chants. The only thing merciful about FFU is that the songs are consistently short. But, not "Big News 1 & 2". You're forced to listen to the finer complexities of Margera hocking loogies into a microphone and sitting through someone diddling a guitar like it's a junior high jazz band concert.

The following songs set up the entire album; "Moonshine" and "Get It On". I'm pretty sure "Moonshine" is about one man's solo journey through the complex emotions of falling in love with an 18-wheeler semi truck. "Get It On" is one of the only tolerable songs on the album, mostly because the lyrics only consist of three words. I had the same reaction to "Get It On" as I would to a high school band trying to trudge their way through "Free bird". Just resigned appreciation: "Well, at least they're trying...kind of".

Big surprise, the whole album is comprised of songs about getting shit-faced, riding in trucks, and banging bitches. Not that I had high expectations for a band fronted by Bam Margera, but at least when his sex tape leaked in the mid-2000s he had the good sense to keep his face out of it. Fuckface Unstoppable is striving to correct that decision with a collection of cacophonous spewings worse than any badly shot celebrity sex video.

Their goal becomes apparent with "Beers, Drugs & Bitches" which not only makes me cringe because of the title, but because it is the most generic rock song I may have ever heard. I'm even more put off that it's one of those songs that touts the difference between "heavy drinking, heavy metal psycho, sex machine" Bam Margera plus accompaniment compared to, I'm not sure, civilization? At this point I want to politely cover my face and pretend those words never came out of Margera's mouth. Unfortunately, the Fuckface hadn't stopped yet.

"Tweaker", the next aptly titled song on FFU is a little fun. It's fast and just lists things tweakers do, like pulling out their own teeth, chewing on sneakers, and wondering if they're still alive. I'm going in the premise that this song is a joke, but who knows. For Margera this could be a deeply-thought out ballad revered in hollowed Grammy halls. But, otherwise, it's one mediocre saving grace to an album written for legacy drinkers.

The last few songs of FFU are so bad I don't even know if the band realizes they put them out into the world. Like, maybe they were just dicking around playing nonsense that no right-minded human would ever care to listen to and accidentally submitted it to their record company. "Til the Wheels Fall Alf!"(sic) sounds like a redneck haunted house movie comprised mostly of "Hell yeahs!", lots of pills, and announcing that "We are Fuckface Unstoppable" because referring to oneself in third-person is always cool.

The next song makes all of the others seem like symphonies in comparison. "Little Dick Let Me Cheat" talks about cheating on his girlfriend, being addicted to pills, and running into a transgender prostitute, referred to as an "Asian lady boy." This phrase is necessary because apparently Fuckface Unstoppable don’t live in the 20th century where literally none of those lyrics are acceptable. So not only is this song homophobic, transphobic, and misogynist, but mixes them all together in a terrible mesh of guitars and conversations between band members. Yeah, it's probably a terrible joke, but for some reason that terrible joke ended up on an album and not in Margera's collective milieu of psychosis.

The last track, "Rock and Roll Underground" sounds almost exactly like the tracks before it, except it sounds like Fuckface Unstoppable broke their instruments at the end, or maybe they just quit out of pure frustration. FFU sounds like one long, lame keg party where only three people showed up and the keg was really just two Colt 45's taped together.

My informal survey shows that 2/3 high schoolers don't know who Bam Margera is. That's great for him, because if they did know who he was, Margera would just be that creepy old dude who constantly looks hungover and only sings about getting fucked up and fucking bitches. Fuckface Unstoppable's FFU sounds like one sad mid-life crisis on Margera's part. The songs are unoriginal, forgettable, and ultimately just uncomfortable in their desperation. Mr. Margera, your career is over, let it go and please stop making music.

10/100