​Horrible Valentines

Sometimes Valentine's Day goes according to plan; it fits right in there. And if you're lucky, it literally fits right in there. But before you spend too much time thinking about the previous joke, we'd like to turn your attentions to some not-so-lucky Valentine's Day woes some of our writers summoned up the courage to share this made-up holiday season.

*Names have been changed as courtesy

Sometimes You Can't Go Back

Lisa Sanchez

​Here is a secret that's not really a secret: I love strip clubs. I loved them a hell of a lot more a few years ago when I had just become old enough to drink, back when a two-story stripper pole was a shining beacon to a guaranteed good time.


Blind Date


Chad W. Lutz

​And I suppose, at the end of the day, made up or intended to drive sales or just plain bullshit, I feel like that's what Valentine's Day meant at some point or another. And I still have the G-string to prove it.

Dylan Sonderman

​Basically, it sucked. Maybe it was more me than the fact that it was a blind date. I don’t know, because I think I’d rather get a full-time job as a greeter at Walmart than go on another blind date.