In My Ohio

​On the Ideal Punishment for Deflategate

Darren C. Demaree
​I think Tom Brady should be forced to play the spoons in a folk band.
I think the oldest man in the oldest county in Kentucky should be allowed to name that band and the rest of the members of that band.
I think the old man should name the band “Gristle Pig Gone”, and fill the rest of the band’s lineup with his cousin’s kids and his favorite bank teller.
I think Tom Brady should write a double-album about a dog that accidentally floods a valley to save the local farming community. That dog should be named after an illegal drug or a disgraced Korean War veteran.
I think Gristle Pig Gone should play three hundred shows in the span of one year, and they should all be played outside of canning plants and churches that have been turned into Verizon Wireless stores.
I think in a prank gone terribly wrong, Tom Brady’s lip should become infected with a virus they are forced to name after him.
I think Gisele, Mr. Brady’s wife should try unsuccessfully to break up the band, and be forced to work the merch table next to the taco stand next to the port-o-potty.
I think the band should all get matching tattoos, and each one should be a different, incorrect spelling of “Ruckus”.
I think after one of the shows, Tom should be forced to buy family plans for every member of the band. There should be a toddler near Lexington with a smart phone that Tom Brady is covering. He is going to be paying for so many apps that do nothing but make animal sounds.
I think Gristle Pig Gone should have one song that begins with a spoons solo. Tom Brady should be booed every time he plays that solo.
I think Tom Brady should be kicked out of the band once a month, and be forced to beg the oldest man in the oldest county in Kentucky to rejoin the band and finish his penance.
I think Tom Brady should be forced to pay for an ornate mausoleum in the middle of the closest Christian college’s quad so that the old man can be laid to rest like the faux king he is.
I think he should be denied haircuts and shaves for the whole year.
I think he should learn to love weed with a bit of angel dust in it.
I think he should become irrationally confident in his own singing and release a solo album under the moniker “T Spoon”.
I think he should be forced to sell CDR copies of that album in every Walmart parking lot in Kentucky. They should be one dollar, and he should struggle mightily to sell them.
I think at the end of year-long, folk-band punishment, Gristle Pig Gone should finally fire him forever, bring in the best spoon-playing prodigy, and really hit it big.
I think Tom Brady sort of cheated, but he lied about it. He was adamant that he had no idea why those footballs were deflated to his exact specifications. He was cocky and shitty about the whole thing, and those lies allowed him to play in and win the Super Bowl. So, let the league get creative with their punishment. Don’t suspend him or fine him, or threaten his legacy. Give him a new, terrible legacy. Let him become the first spoons player in Gristle Pig Gone, and let him be what holds them back. After a year on the very dirty roads of Kentucky, he will carry himself differently.