In My Ohio

On the Only Wrong Way to Celebrate July 4th

Darren C. Demaree
The following are thirty-four acceptable ways to celebrate the 4th of July…

1. Eat Jeni’s ice cream all day long.

2. It’s donut Friday, so you could eat donuts all day long.

3. Call you father, tell him a made up story to test his memory. If he goes along with it, know that he’s not senile; he just loves you and thinks you’re crazy.

4. Listen to the new The Antlers album.

5. Find your rollerblades and blow them up with a hundred dollars of illegal fireworks.

6. Do something for money, and then buy beer with said money.

7. Donate your drinking money to a food bank, and nap all day long.

8. Go to Seattle, it’s lovely there.

9. Go to Tuscaloosa and eat BBQ until you pass out. If the joint is quality they will simply cover you in cool Wonder Bread until you wake up. They will offer you more pork when you wake up.

10. Accidentally let your daughter call Justin Townes Earle. It happens, you just need to be cool about it.

11. Come over to my house.

12. Find a creek in Tennessee and carry a pony keg of beer up and down it until the pony keg is empty. Be a hero.

13. Watch Rocky IV on mute; sing the songs from Frozen to it. It works.

14. Steak & eggs.

15. Nurture your fish’s desire to become literate.

16. Bake me six pies as a challenge to us both.

17. Watch Parks and Recreation in an effort to be able to appropriately converse with a friend’s sister at a Cleveland Indians game on Sunday.

18. Use your wife or sister’s bras to launch water balloons over your house’s roof.

19. Order a pizza from every local joint open. Those people don’t have to be open on this holiday, but they are because they love to feed you.

20. Calvin and Hobbes.

21. Adopt a dog; name it after your high school rival. As your love for your new animal grows, you will learn to let that other shit go.

22. Five kinds of lo mein.

23. Blue.

24. Wander around the hotel your sister was married in a week ago. Make sure you still have your tux on, and ask everyone you see if they know where the brunch is being held. Do not accept anything less than a free brunch.

25. New Cory Branan single.

26. High five everybody.

27. Drive over to your mom’s house, and make her homemade noodles.

28. Listen to the radio. On the 4th of July radio dj’s are particularly caffeinated and/or already drunk. It’s a manufactured fervor that cannot be missed.

29. Crank jazz and smoke cigarettes.

30. Come up with nine different ways to spell America. My favorite is Merryca.

31. Neighborhood slip and slide. Set them all up at once. Use all the water. Fly by six houses at a time. Bring Band-Aids.

32. Every horse becomes a unicorn.

33. Order the Chipotle catering meal for you and your buddies.

34. Take your wife/husband to the park and recite all of Walt Whitman’s “Song of Myself”. Do it with your shirt off. Do it with gravitas. If she is laughing then you did it right. Know that you were incredible the whole time you were reading.

The following is the only way you should not celebrate the 4th of July:

1. Do not shoot real guns in celebration. Those bullets don’t quite reach the moon, which would be cool, they come back down and put real holes in real people that are simply trying to make it a cool mile on their neighborhood slip and slide.