In My Ohio

On Watermelon

Darren C. Demaree
Take your shirt off. Wait. Most stores still abide by the “No Shoes, No Shirt” policy, so you will need to keep your shirt on long enough to buy the watermelons. Back in the car? Okay, you can take your shirt off now.

It is finally warm enough where, no matter your age or gender, it is time to participate in one of my favorite parts of summer eating, the outdoor consumption of watermelon. It’s a delicious, hilariously messy, and public display that marks the sweet spot of the season better than anything else.

Here are some options for your consumption of the greatest of all of the melons:

1): Sure you could get a knife and slice yourself a nice piece of watermelon, but why? Try punching a whole in the side of the watermelon, when your hand returns it could return with the beating heart of the fruit. Gallagher it. Find a hammer and smash it. Whatever fruit remains is the fruit you were meant to eat. Do you own a sword?

2): Eating it with your hands is a good start, but just a start. Open-mouthed watermelon fights, maybe? Try to catch some watermelon thrown by an agile friend you is standing on top of your roof. Play baseball with chunks of watermelon. If any piece of watermelon is caught on the fly, the fielder reserves the right to either eat it or throw it at your safety eyewear. You should probably invest in some safety goggles for watermelon season.

3): I encourage the use of choreography in any picnic atmosphere. Don’t just plop the fruit in your mouth; add some flair to the proceedings, some elegance. Remember, aging men, that if any of the juice makes its way into your chest hair, it will only add to your summer sheen and increase your opportunities to attract a mate.

4): Maybe create a special throne for your watermelon royalty to eat upon. I am hopeful that I can talk my wife into letting us dub our young son the “Watermelon King” this year. I have already begun work on turning his Diego reading chair into a throne placed in the middle of a child’s pool. He will dip his feet in the water, wear only a crown and a smile, and he will eat as much watermelon as he can handle. It will be incredible. I am sure the same thing could be accomplished for adults.

5): I recommend, for advanced watermelon eaters, that you invest in a slip and slide. Cut the watermelon in half. Remove all rocks from underneath the slip and slide, turn the water on for five minutes or so, and then place half of the watermelon, facing the runner open-sided, and go! It will be cool and refreshing. Safety goggles please. Please do not attempt this if you have braces on your teeth.

6): Hug your watermelon. Hug your friends and family that you’re spending this fantastic time with. This really is the best of times. Enjoy it. Make sure you tell your neighbors about any of this before you attempt it. They might want to join, but if they don’t you want to avoid any police showing up in the middle of your fun. If you end up in jail, covered in watermelon, I imagine it would only make a bad scene much worse.

So, leave your shirts in a giant pile on my lawn if you want. We can all put them back on once it gets too hot to do anything outside. Most pools don’t want you to destroy/eat watermelons on their property, so now is your chance to really do it right. Have a great time, people. You all deserve it.