Online Dating, Mating, and Relocating...

Dawn M. Tucker
You would think dating would be easy? I am no longer in my thirties ahem and decided to try online dating. When I did, I didn't have many non-negotiable points. Applicants couldn't be married, recently divorced, separated or still attached to an old flame. They had to be able to count to twenty without taking their shoes off. Had to have a job, a vehicle and not live with their mother. I prefer intelligent, brainiac men...can't help it “smart is sexy.” They couldn't resemble any of the serial killers in criminal minds, have naked pictures of themselves or be just looking for sex.

See, I am easy to please! So here's the lineup- in no particular order, though names have been changed to protect- well- me. If you do recognize yourself, shame on you!!!

#1) 6ft. 2in., good job, no kids.... We met up...went to a restaurant for coffee. The waitress gave us a booth. As I slid into my seat, he slid in right next to me; not across from me where we could make eye contact and ask questions, etc. I was trapped, so to speak. Then it started: the rubbing my back, placing the hand on my knee. He talked of how much we had in common (hunh?) and how he felt immediately close to me. Visions of my previously having to relocate to avoid a stalker started playing in my mind.

That is when I turned to him and very politely stated “You need to slow your f-ing roll and stop touching me.” Yep, that ended before it started. Thank God, because just about at that point I realized his breath smelled really bad. NEXT!

#2) Well, it was obvious from this meeting that the pictures I saw prior to meeting him were from 10 years ago. (Come on some point someone is gonna realize your pic is old). He was nice enough, sweet enough, had a good job, grown kids and a huge house. The only problem was there was no actual chemistry. I just wasn't feeling it. I wish I was, it would make this whole online dating thing go away and I could delete my profile. Nope- wasn't feeling it at all.

Now for my favorite... we will call him B (t) K. B ullshit, tears and K iss my ass....

#3) I have to admit, this one really threw me. (No, not literally...) Average male, not unattractive, not sure I would have noticed him in the grocery store. We met, and I find out he is extremely intelligent (Have I mentioned I think smart is sexy??). He was sweet, kind, generous and had something none of the other contenders had up until this point....

That boy ... had some game.

I am a pragmatic girl. I come to decisions logically rather than emotionally. With this guy...well, let's just say this girl lost all ability to think. He knew all the right words. He knew all the right moves. By the time I realized what was happening, he had spun this web of deceit so tightly around me I didn't know what hit me.

He had me believing we were soul mates, kindred spirits; perfect compliments for one another. It was a couple weeks of extremely intense, passionate, intellectual connecting. You know what? He was a better story teller than me. Well played B (t) K , well played.

You see, I knew he was divorced...I even asked if he had any residual feelings left for his ex-wife that perhaps he hadn't worked through? I even point-blank stated I did not want to be anyone's rebound girl… “No, I am done with that, you are not rebound girl...I have dated others since the divorce...”

Well guess what? Dunh dunh dunh dah! “I AM REBOUND GIRL!!” I was kindly informed that his ex-wife must have realized he was falling for me (which I now believe to be a highly suspect story...) and until he figured out what he was doing, he didn't want to lie to me or hurt me. (See paragraph above where he straight out lied about feelings for his ex, thereby hurting me in the process…just saying).

I tried to reason with him. I talked to him of passion and bonding and togetherness and how I would never hurt him. He preferred the ex who he said was vane and selfish...all she had to do was crook her finger for him to come running. (Oh, yeah, if you denote a little bitchiness, you are right on target.)

I got angry and told him I was moving on. Then I got sad and missed him and told him that, too. He apologized, again and again, and again...but it didn't change the truth. I was fool. I was fooled. Am I more cynical now? Oh, you bet your ass I am. Has it stopped me from continuing to date? Hell no.

Hey, a girls gotta do what a girl has got to do. And B (t) K? Your loss buddy...I would have rocked your world!!